A Ton of Problems

browneyedgirl asked…

Okay, Stupid, after reading your advice on how to tell your boss he stinks, and laughing right out loud while at work, I have a question for you. I work in a office full of cubicles, we often refer to it as "Dilbertville" (not only because of the cubicles, but due to the unending supply of engineer type people in it.) Due to the proximity of our "cubes" to each other we hear everything on the other side of the wall, (work related or personal) hence the episode of laughing at your advice causing me to pen you a line. I have a rather large working companion who insists on eating all the time, and chewing very loudly, with an open mouth. Those of us around him are constantly looking at each other and rolling our eyes because listening to him chew is thoroughly disgusting, how can we tell him to please chew with his mouth closed in order to spare us the sounds of his masticating?

Stupid said…

Brown, there are no easy answers for “people” problems, especially when it involves the words ‘fat’ and ‘we need to talk.’ I offer a few quick suggestions:

The quick and easy answer is to quit your job at the DMV. This solution probably presents more problems though, so on to other options.

If, as you say, your office is like Dilbert; I am pleased to report that you can use the office “leaker” to do the job for you. I suspect your office has a person who will repeat anything that is told to him or her. This person is known as the “leaker.” The key will be to have all of the office personnel mention how annoying tons-o-fun is on the other side of the cubicle. Eventually the “leaker” will let slip how tons-o-fun is an annoying eater. This will probably happen at a socially crippling time AND within earshot of tons-o-fun. Let the awkward silence that ensues run its full course, and then say, “Well, now that that’s out of the way, does anyone have any true criticisms of me?”

Another way to solve the problem is to help tons-o-fun realize how he needs a diet. This CANNOT be stated outright—it will be met with resistance. What tons-o-fun needs to realize is how things around him are getting smaller.

Ways to accomplish this: Every few days (or so) switch his chair, phone and keyboard with identical models of a smaller size. Most people won’t realize how much weight they’ve gained until they start to notice it in their fingers. Therefore, when he types ‘DOOM III’ on his keyboard, but his screen says “CFSDIL(IOOL NM,U9IUIJUJ7," he will start to think about his much needed diet.

Another way is to talk to him about it. It isn’t easy. Nor is it fun, but it works…

(As always: to ask a question, post it in the comments after this article--and tell your friends to try out my advice blog. That way you will have more to read—and that’s what we all want, more to read.)