10. Medusa? No, Seduce Ya.

Cicada Asked…

Dear Stupid:

If a girl wants to have a boyfriend, does she have a better chance if she has long hair? I hear several males express an opinion like that. I've heard men say, "Every time I see a girl with short hair, I just think of how much cuter she would look if she had long hair." I think that my hair is nappy when it's long and that it's much more attractive short. In fact, sometimes I think that perhaps I keep it short to avoid snagging guys who are of the above opinion. I'd rather not have a relationship with them.

I have no relationship. Is my short hair the cause of this?

Please advise.

Stupid said…

Oh Cicada! How your question makes me think of the good old days. Well, not so much the good old days as days of yore. No, not that either. Yesteryear? On second thought, your question brought a whole new mental facet to my life. Thank you.

Ever since Lady Godiva and Medusa, corpulent hair has long been seen as a sign of youth, femininity and high maintenance. As early as 312 A.D., many of our early fathers were drawn to women who had long, shiny hair because it was obvious they used VO5 hot oil conditioner and would therefore take better care of the ‘critters.’ Women do the same thing, but it’s guys’ shoes they look at to determine how well a man can take care of things.

Men don’t want to be discriminating; they want to give everyone an equal shot. Unfortunately, they have been conditioned for hundreds of years to look for a filly with a lustrous mane and good teeth AND to look for a girl with long hair.

When I was growing up, old women were the ones wearing short hair. Some younger women had short hair too, but old women never had long hair—only short. I think they kept their hair short so they could wear clear plastic bonnets in the rain. Short blue hair is dry blue hair under those bonnet kerchiefs they wear. Even Old women who have long hair wear it up off the shoulders—think Jane Seymour.

Consider this also: Short hair is a warning sign for pregnancy. You can tell when your sisters/in-laws/friends are pregnant because they will cut their hair off. It’s true; don’t deny it. Often, a woman who is expecting will act all normal and stuff for the first few months so you can’t tell she is pregnant. She’ll get a ‘glow’ and seem happier. She’ll cut her hair off and you’ll think she is starting a new, exiting phase of her life, but the bottom line is she’s pregnant. Next time a friend cuts all her hair off, predict that she is pregnant then wait and see. Sooner or later, she’ll announce she is expecting.** (**Never, EVER tell her your prediction though, because that can lead to general unpleasantness and awkwardness.)

So, let’s ride this logic train: To men, long hair equals beauty, availability and VO5. Short hair equals old and/or pregnant.

This rule is not all inclusive, but I stand by it. Notable exceptions: Halle Berry, Meg Ryan, Charlize Theron, Brittany Murphy, Winona Ryder, Natalie Portman and Elisha Cuthbert have all recently passed off short hair with flying colors. They are also seen as vibrant, fun and confident.

Truthfully, I think it won’t matter what hair you wear, unless it doesn’t compliment your face’s shape or your personality. One thing I am sure of: it seems that it’s very hard to get variety from short hair. Long hair gives you a whole bunch of options.

Me? (Assuming I was not married to my wife Limpy—hypothetically, of course) I’m partial to long straight full blonde hair. My wife Limpy has Short curly dark hair. It looks best on her. I love her. It doesn’t matter…

(As always: to ask a question, post it in the comments after this article--and tell your friends to try out my advice blog. That way you will have more to read—and that’s what we all want, more to read.)