11. A Day in the Stupid Life

Jessica Benet asked…

Dear Stupid,

What do you do in your free time when you don't have a question to answer?

Jessica Benet.

Stupid Said…

Excellent question Jessica. May I call you B’NayNay? Thanks.

I rarely have time to pull myself away from the computer because of all the HOARDES of questions I receive—obviously! But when I do get a spare minute, this is what I do:

• I head on down to the McDonalds inside Wal-Mart so the employees there can make fun of me. I know it sounds crass, but I really think they need someone.
• If I still have time after that, I like to go to Barnes and Noble and act like I am one of the Managers. I approach the customers and ask if they have found everything they need. After a brief, customer-friendly conversation, I follow them around the store as if they were going to steal something. I peek around corners, watch them from the front door, drag my thumb across my neck making the I’m-gonna-git-you-sucka! gesture—you know, fun stuff. Later I approach them and tell them I’m just kidding and give them coupons I get in my mailbox.
• I grab my binoculars and hang out down the street from the skate park—DUH!
• I go to Cabela’s sometimes and ask to buy a gun. Before I enter the store though, I spray my forehead and sideburns with tanning oil, so I have little droplets of liquid on my forehead and dripping from my chops. You should see their faces--it's adorable.
• I like to attend high school sports and heckle the players.
• I bake with butter.
• Sometimes my wife Limpy and I go to the rest home to do service with the invalids. They like to play ‘catch’ with beach balls and spaghetti.
• I buy a dozen doughnuts and eat them on the front steps of the police station. I always wear my fake mustache when I do that so they don’t identify me.
• I take judo classes on the internet. And jazz. I looooove jazz.

So, that’s what I do for fun—the normal stuff. If you’re still reading at this point, I guess my boring ol’ life is at least interesting to someone. I’ve gotta run; I hear it’s dollar day down at Petsmart…


(As always: to ask a question, post it in the comments after this article--and tell your friends to try out my advice blog. That way you will have more to read—and that’s what we all want, more to read.)