13. The Bear Truth

Savvymom asked…

Here is my question. I hope you're ready for it. In the kids' show The Berenstain Bears that comes at 8am each morning, the theme song has a line that says "they're a lot like people only more so". What does that mean? How can a bear be more like a person than a person? I am stupefied.

Stupid said…

Thanks for asking Savvymom; I'm always ready for questions. And remember: each time you visit my blog, your IQ drops one point—and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Turning—grudgingly—from the Olsen Twins to The Berenstain Bears, we examine the essence of the theme song from our favorite talking animals. Let’s examine the song lyrics line by line:

Lyrics
The Berenstain Bears:
Final Theme
Somewhere deep in Bear Country [They live in Bear Country--Duh.]
Lives the Berenstain Bear family [It’s a family—of bears! Named BERENSTAIN (a misspelled derivative of Berenstien.]
They're kind of furry around the torso [And they have hairy bellies. The question is: are they hairy under their clothes too? Or are they just hairy where they can show it off?]
They're a lot like people, only more so [Aah. The rub. This is a subliminal jab at children everywhere. Our friends at PETA are trying to point out that the core audience of this show—children who enjoy boring, unfunny cartoons and parents who want their children to learn morals from TALKING ANIMALS—are less human than cartoon bears. It’s alarming, really. Oh, and YOU try to find a word that rhymes with torso.]

The bear fact is that [Another subliminal message encouraging nudity.]
They're just like you and me [They’re telling the children they have hairy torsos.]
The only difference [The ONLY difference.]
Is they live in a tree [They make the faulty assumption that these children don’t live in trees.]

The Berenstain Bears [Shameless self promotion.]

When things go wrong as things might do [Stuff happens.]
The Berenstain Bears will find a way through [The Bears are smart. Blah, blah blah.]
Mama, Papa, Sister and Brother [We are a happy family.]
They'll always be there for each other [‘Cept when they die. Cuz they will. One day.]

The bear fact is that [What IS it with these people—bears—and nudity.]
They can be sweet as honey [Reference to a crappy Jessica Alba movie that is just like Mariah Carey’s Glitter except it’s about dancing—not singing.]
Sometimes you'll find [‘N Stuff.]
They might be just plain funny [Except they aren’t. Ever.]

The Berenstain Bears [Boy they really ARE high on themselves.]
The Berenstain Bears [And now it’s getting ridiculous.]

Theme Song: Stan Meissner
Score By: Ray Parker and Tom Szczesniak
"The Berenstain Bears" Performed By: Lee Ann Womack
Lee Ann Womack appears courtesy of Erv Woolsey Co.

There you have it. I know it may be unbelievable, but these people are out to get your children. Also, avoid Barney—for obvious reasons.

Here is the source website for the song lyrics.

(As always: to ask a question, post it in the comments after this article--and tell your friends to try out my advice blog. That way you will have more to read—and that’s what we all want, more to read.)