10. Medusa? No, Seduce Ya.

Cicada Asked…

Dear Stupid:

If a girl wants to have a boyfriend, does she have a better chance if she has long hair? I hear several males express an opinion like that. I've heard men say, "Every time I see a girl with short hair, I just think of how much cuter she would look if she had long hair." I think that my hair is nappy when it's long and that it's much more attractive short. In fact, sometimes I think that perhaps I keep it short to avoid snagging guys who are of the above opinion. I'd rather not have a relationship with them.

I have no relationship. Is my short hair the cause of this?

Please advise.

Stupid said…

Oh Cicada! How your question makes me think of the good old days. Well, not so much the good old days as days of yore. No, not that either. Yesteryear? On second thought, your question brought a whole new mental facet to my life. Thank you.

Ever since Lady Godiva and Medusa, corpulent hair has long been seen as a sign of youth, femininity and high maintenance. As early as 312 A.D., many of our early fathers were drawn to women who had long, shiny hair because it was obvious they used VO5 hot oil conditioner and would therefore take better care of the ‘critters.’ Women do the same thing, but it’s guys’ shoes they look at to determine how well a man can take care of things.

Men don’t want to be discriminating; they want to give everyone an equal shot. Unfortunately, they have been conditioned for hundreds of years to look for a filly with a lustrous mane and good teeth AND to look for a girl with long hair.

When I was growing up, old women were the ones wearing short hair. Some younger women had short hair too, but old women never had long hair—only short. I think they kept their hair short so they could wear clear plastic bonnets in the rain. Short blue hair is dry blue hair under those bonnet kerchiefs they wear. Even Old women who have long hair wear it up off the shoulders—think Jane Seymour.

Consider this also: Short hair is a warning sign for pregnancy. You can tell when your sisters/in-laws/friends are pregnant because they will cut their hair off. It’s true; don’t deny it. Often, a woman who is expecting will act all normal and stuff for the first few months so you can’t tell she is pregnant. She’ll get a ‘glow’ and seem happier. She’ll cut her hair off and you’ll think she is starting a new, exiting phase of her life, but the bottom line is she’s pregnant. Next time a friend cuts all her hair off, predict that she is pregnant then wait and see. Sooner or later, she’ll announce she is expecting.** (**Never, EVER tell her your prediction though, because that can lead to general unpleasantness and awkwardness.)

So, let’s ride this logic train: To men, long hair equals beauty, availability and VO5. Short hair equals old and/or pregnant.

This rule is not all inclusive, but I stand by it. Notable exceptions: Halle Berry, Meg Ryan, Charlize Theron, Brittany Murphy, Winona Ryder, Natalie Portman and Elisha Cuthbert have all recently passed off short hair with flying colors. They are also seen as vibrant, fun and confident.

Truthfully, I think it won’t matter what hair you wear, unless it doesn’t compliment your face’s shape or your personality. One thing I am sure of: it seems that it’s very hard to get variety from short hair. Long hair gives you a whole bunch of options.

Me? (Assuming I was not married to my wife Limpy—hypothetically, of course) I’m partial to long straight full blonde hair. My wife Limpy has Short curly dark hair. It looks best on her. I love her. It doesn’t matter…

(As always: to ask a question, post it in the comments after this article--and tell your friends to try out my advice blog. That way you will have more to read—and that’s what we all want, more to read.)

A Ton of Problems

browneyedgirl asked…

Okay, Stupid, after reading your advice on how to tell your boss he stinks, and laughing right out loud while at work, I have a question for you. I work in a office full of cubicles, we often refer to it as "Dilbertville" (not only because of the cubicles, but due to the unending supply of engineer type people in it.) Due to the proximity of our "cubes" to each other we hear everything on the other side of the wall, (work related or personal) hence the episode of laughing at your advice causing me to pen you a line. I have a rather large working companion who insists on eating all the time, and chewing very loudly, with an open mouth. Those of us around him are constantly looking at each other and rolling our eyes because listening to him chew is thoroughly disgusting, how can we tell him to please chew with his mouth closed in order to spare us the sounds of his masticating?

Stupid said…

Brown, there are no easy answers for “people” problems, especially when it involves the words ‘fat’ and ‘we need to talk.’ I offer a few quick suggestions:

The quick and easy answer is to quit your job at the DMV. This solution probably presents more problems though, so on to other options.

If, as you say, your office is like Dilbert; I am pleased to report that you can use the office “leaker” to do the job for you. I suspect your office has a person who will repeat anything that is told to him or her. This person is known as the “leaker.” The key will be to have all of the office personnel mention how annoying tons-o-fun is on the other side of the cubicle. Eventually the “leaker” will let slip how tons-o-fun is an annoying eater. This will probably happen at a socially crippling time AND within earshot of tons-o-fun. Let the awkward silence that ensues run its full course, and then say, “Well, now that that’s out of the way, does anyone have any true criticisms of me?”

Another way to solve the problem is to help tons-o-fun realize how he needs a diet. This CANNOT be stated outright—it will be met with resistance. What tons-o-fun needs to realize is how things around him are getting smaller.

Ways to accomplish this: Every few days (or so) switch his chair, phone and keyboard with identical models of a smaller size. Most people won’t realize how much weight they’ve gained until they start to notice it in their fingers. Therefore, when he types ‘DOOM III’ on his keyboard, but his screen says “CFSDIL(IOOL NM,U9IUIJUJ7," he will start to think about his much needed diet.

Another way is to talk to him about it. It isn’t easy. Nor is it fun, but it works…

(As always: to ask a question, post it in the comments after this article--and tell your friends to try out my advice blog. That way you will have more to read—and that’s what we all want, more to read.)

Beware of Blog

th. asked…

Dear Stupid:

Why are most blog readers so dern lazy?

Stupid said…

Because they are internet folks. They don’t want to have to do any thinking or posting or even breathing for that matter.

Why, I remember back in the day when I was supposed to be a reader in grade school. Unfortunately, I had a mild case of ADD and was unable to read anything without having a string of thought that involved monkeys, quiche and number problems. So I didn’t read. I cried. I cried like a little girl.

My friends were using big words like ‘replied’ and ‘stated,’ and I was saying ‘answered’ and ‘said.’ I had a tough time. OH! The loneliness I felt at book club. The Trauma!

And that’s the background I bring to the internet. The other internet users out there are all exactly like me—I’ve met them—and they are painfully lazy. I’ve tried to help them with it, but they are unfortunately slow. (You can tell they’re slow when you read anti-anything and political websites.)

So the key for you and me is to use the small words. Throw in a misspelling every once in a while. Be opinionated—ooh—opinionated is always good. And hide your logic—it’s no good here…

(As always: to ask a question, post it in the comments after this article--and tell your friends to try out my advice blog. That way you will have more to read—and that’s what we all want, more to read.)

Throw a Stench in the Works

Lilly asked…

Dear Stupid:

My co-workers and I are calling on your advice for a very serious problem that we face every day. Our Manager stinks. Literally. It is an unimaginable stench, and we can't even figure out what causes this horrible smell. We have tried numerous air-fresheners and candles, but to no avail...it still stinks in our office. How, may we ask, do we tell him that he STINKS without being fired, as he is our superior. We can't take it anymore. We need your help.

Stupid said…

I think the best way to say something unpleasant to someone is to hire someone else to do it.

Because I am a colossal pansy, as I am sure I have mentioned before, I do not directly confront people when they need confrontation and I have something unpleasant to say to them. Instead I imagine I can fly away and they are being chased by bees. Then I wish in my heart that they will be stung, but not be allergic to the venomous little bat turds.

Or you could send him anonymous emails from an account that is A) anonymous and B) temporary. Set up the account, send a few emails from it, and then terminate the account. You can also use this method to send an anonymous package containing all sorts of toiletries, and a gallon of that cheap cologne.

Or if that doesn’t work, check his skin folds for halves of sandwiches that have fallen in there.

I truly think the best way would be to tell him that sometimes the odors emanating from his body are offensive. He would have to be an incredibly small person to fire you over that. AND things would probably be strained at work for a while. But the problem would be solved and you will have bettered someone’s life—yours—and his.

Or try the bee thing—it’s AWESOME!...

(As always: to ask a question, post it in the comments after this article--and tell your friends to try out my advice blog. That way you will have more to read—and that’s what we all want, more to read.)