Belch for your life

Limon asked…
When is it acceptable to belch? I have relaxed into burping around girls at times. Some find that it signifies a comfort level that pleases them. Some, obviously, are not so pleased. Also, I saw a guy walking around campus let loose a big one, and it became clear that in most cases, it is really quite disgusting. So, again, when is it acceptable to burp?

Stupid said…
It is always acceptable to belch. Sure, Mrs. Etiquette Manner Nazi may tell you different; but do you really want to take your advice from a cranky nag like that, or do you want to get your information from Stupid?

In mixed company is always the best place to initiate new friends to the belch. Try to wait for a lull in the conversation, and then let out a long loud one—full throttle! When friends and associates are exposed to the loud ‘Brrraaaawww’ that is a Limon Belch, you will begin to realize who your real friends are.

Some may leave your ‘A-list’ circle of friends, but you don’t need them anyway. And a lady who will not support your emissious noisiness should not get your support.

I should have tried the belch-away-the-haters method of eliminating friends a couple of years ago. Alas I was too afraid to try it. Instead, I moved and didn’t give anyone my address or phone number. My real friends had to come to my place of employment or do other sorts of work to reach me. I have lost touch with a few friends because of it, but not nearly enough.

So belch away Limon! And let your quasi friends know you are mad as hell and you’re not going to take it anymore…

Stupid

(As always: to ask a question, post it in the comments after this article--and tell your friends to try out my advice blog. That way, you will have more to read.)

Dating The Girl Your Mother Recommends

daltongirl Asked...
Here's my next question. Only it's going to involve you going to my blog to look at a picture, b/c I don't know how to post a photo on a comment. Maybe you can't even do it. But that's not my question. You can speak to that if you want, but it's not the real question. The real question is: Is this (on my blog) shirt "gay"? I bought it for daltonboy, jr., and was so proud, because he likes wearing wacky stuff, and when I showed it to him he said, "Cool." And then I asked, "Will you wear it?" and he said, "No. It's gay." I guess one question would be, "Why would he say 'cool,' and then say he wouldn't wear it?" but what I really want to know is, is it actually a shirt that a teenager should not wear to school for any reason? And if not, why not? Because DBJ claims that if my Internet friends approve of the shirt, he will wear it. So don't feel pressured. I just want an honest answer. If you think it's a shirt that only a RPG freak would wear, please specify. Because that would carry a lot of weight with DBJ. If pewter-dragon-figurine-carrying individuals would really look cool (to other PDFCIs) in the shirt, he will love it.

Stupid said...
I’m glad you asked Dalton girl—because, well, I need to feel needed.

The shirt in question is fairly attractive—if you are into the whole Don Ho thing. Me, I’m not. I had to wear matching Hawaiian shirts in public one time and I am still traumatized by it.

First of all, the word is not “gay” it’s “heterophobic.” So tell your jr. namesake that he needs to be more sensitive to the feelings of shirts everywhere.

Second, the shirt itself is not a problem. It’s the wearer. Look at it this way: Rick Moranis and Christopher Reeves could wear the same outfit, and you would think RM was a real nerd and CR was just hiding behind a nerd costume waiting for a greater call. Then a situation would arise and he would turn into Superman and thrash the evil-doers with his non-lethal capturing techniques from Krypton.

So ask yourself: Is daltonboy jr. a Rick Moranis or a Christopher Reeves?

Also, is db jr. a trendsetter normally? Does he present himself everyday in a way that people would look at and say, “Hey, I want a hairdo like that.” Or “I gotta get me some bell-bottomed, double-knit polyester?” If he is a trendsetter or popular, people will probably get on board or think it’s cool.

If he is NOT a trendsetter, I unequivocally and unabashedly caution you not to force him to wear the shirt. The shirt is not in style now, nor will it be in style in the future UNLESS a trend-setting, popular type brings it back.

Additionally, mothers have a way of choosing that usually leads to either A) awkwardness or B) ridicule. For all the young men out there: don't wear clothes or date girls your mother chooses. Mothers have a skewed sense of reality when it comes to boyhood.

So db jr. could fall on either side of the shirt situation, but I hope to walk down the street one day and see him wearing it. I will make my assessment then. For now, I’m thinking that you might want to make him a three piece suit out of the carpet pictured with the shirt…

Stupid

(As always: to ask a question, post it in the comments after this article--and tell your friends to try out my advice blog. That way you will have more to read.

A Taste of Stupidity

Coop asked...

My question: Why do some foods taste good to some people and bad to others? Does the food taste the same and our bodies have different chemical reactions that make us like or dislike it? Or does the same food taste differently to different people? For example, if we both eat meatloaf, and I love it and you detest it (hypothetically, of course, because who doesn't love a good meatloaf), is it that your body produces repulsing chemicals and mine produces tasty chemicals, or do you taste something different than I taste?

14/10/05 12:58 PM

Stupid said…

Mmmmm… meatloaf…

We all taste the same thing, Coop. The difference is the respective strength of the flavor we perceive.

When babies are born, they have a fresh set of taste buds—brand new and totally active. They are very, VERY sensitive to flavors—and all we feed them is milk.

As the child grows, the taste buds on his or her tongue can become overused and burn out. So, for example, if you feed a child an excess of—I don’t know—meatloaf, the child will overwork the ‘meatloaf’ taste buds on the tongue. Then the child would need even MORE meatloaf or a stronger-flavored meatloaf the next time to get the same flavor benefit. Let’s not forget that food is a drug. And as a drug, you must make sure you don’t overdose the poor children. So ease up on the food, parents!

Let’s pretend now, that you feed a child plenty of licorice, but you DON’T feed that child any meatloaf. The ‘licorice’ taste buds for the child become desensitized and the child becomes so accustomed to the relatively week flavor of even the strongest licorice. In fact, the addicted child may falsely believe they NEED licorice—for confidence, for energy, for luck.

Then one fateful Sunday you take ‘em to grandma’s house. She has made a huge, beefy meatloaf for Sunday dinner and the kids are getting edgy and apprehensive about ingesting food that is not licorice. They may even start crying—I’ve seen it a hundred times—because their licorice taste buds—the ones that are left—are clamoring for licorice, NOT meatloaf. Then you convince—no, BRIBE—them to “at least try a little” meatloaf.

Bad idea.

What happens is the flavor explosion brought about by the meatloaf sends a gargantuan signal to the brain that the hands have seriously messed up in approaching the lips with such a vile substance. The stomach responds by reversing the swallowing process and we all know what happens next.

Conversely, YOU Coop, are completely happy with meatloaf because you don’t have a visceral reaction to its potency. I am reminded of my friend’s dad who is elderly and claims that the onions from his garden taste just like sweet apples. He must have been fed strained onions as a kid, because his raw, nasty ‘onion’ taste bud—the one he has left—is clamoring for more onion. (“I gotta have more onion!”)

You must remember at this point that it is impossible to burn out the ‘vegetable’ taste buds. NOTE: you will never be able to addict a child to vegetables, because ‘vegetable’ taste buds—unlike brain cells and ‘licorice’ taste buds—grow back when you destroy them.

So, feed your kids foods you want them to be addicted to, like grains and but a very little meat. Teach them, coffee and tobacco to despise. Hark! Hark! Hark! Their music is sweet…

Sludge Factor 12

daltongirl asked...

Why is there an eighteen-inch-long streak of crusted orange sludge on the wall of my hallway at about shoulder level (my shoulder)? I am 5'6". My boys are over six feet tall, making the streak about elbow-level for them. My daughter is five feet tall, putting it at her exact height. No one here seems to have an explanation for the crusted sludge. While you're at it, tell me how to get it off. It seems to be impervious to cleaning solution of any kind. So far the only answer I can come up with is to move, leaving the kids here.

14/10/05 7:58 AM

Stupid said...

Your problem is perplexing, but I think I can help you.

First of all, you describe your mysterious substance as “sludge.” Then you say it is crusty and doesn’t scrub off. I am confused is it sludgy, or is it crusty? Because sludge is soft—you could scrape it off with a tortilla chip if you wanted. I am going to assume you mean it is a crusty stain, NOT a sludgy smear.

The orange leads me to believe you may have some rust coming from inside the wall. If there is a leaky pipe in there, or a pipe that ‘bleeds’ water that has condensed on the outside of the pipe, the water could be causing the pipe (or something else made of iron) to leak inside the wall. You might have to tear out the wall to get to a leaky, rusty pipe.

The second place I would look is at your daughter. She may be coloring her hair orange when you aren’t looking. She also may have insomnia. And as she stumbles down the hall in the dark every night, she is haphazardly running into the wall. The orange hair is at just the right height to smudge coloring onto the wall. Try shampoo to help you scrub the hair color off the wall.

I’d check for leaks, but don’t discount your insomniac, orange-haired daughter.

Stupid is as Stupid does

Th. asked...
.This cannot be passed up.So here's a question:For well over ten years now, people all over the country have called me Jeff for no apparent reason. I don't really mind, but maybe I should be. Who is this Jeff person that everyone keeps mistaking me for?
13/10/05 2:48 PM

Stupid Said:

The reason people keep calling you Jeff is because A) that is your name or B) people are stupid.

I don't mean they are stupid in the same way I am stupid. Because, you know, I'm not really stupid; it's what you call counterpoint. I am a veritable STUPEDIA of useless facts and information. But I digress.

Consider this: On any given day, even the best people make 5 mistakes for every 95 tasks done well. That's you, me, everyone. If that is true for the brighter, shining stars of our society, imagine how many mistakes the average joe makes. Now if you consider that people are making mistakes at a five percent rate, that means that out of 20 people around you (at work, on the freeway, in the mall) one of them is making an error in judgement that could A) maim B) disembowel or C) kill you and the rest of the 19 other people. Remember that YOU are one of the culprits some of the time.

So I have to assume, based on your question, that people have been calling you Jeff by mistake. If this is true, it means you have surrounded yourself with the 5% of the population that is making mistakes RIGHT NOW. In fact, you have probably chosen to place yourself in a zone of unexplainable heightened stupidity. You probably live in the Bermuda Triangle of stupidity. That's my guess.

And there you have it. I can answer any of your questions. Please make inquiries in the "make a comment" section below and to the right...

Ask Stupid

Well, I've done it.

Consider this your all-around advice blog. If you have an ettiquette question, relationship question, or anything else you have been wondering about, just ask.

You can ask a question by posting a comment on the bottom of this blog. I will pick a question from each blog entry to create a new entry.

Since this is the first entry, you MAY BE the first to get your question answered by the venerable Stupidramblings.

Enjoy...

Stupid