15. Tongues A Million

Mandi asked…

Dear Stupid,

I am currently babysitting a 4yr old boy who doesn't enunciate very well. He sounds like he's talking with a huge wad of gum in his mouth and he also uses Him/Her & He/She improperly- meaning he never uses he/she- EVER.

What makes some children pick up language/speach very well, and others not so much?

Stupid said…

Let’s be frank, Mandi—babysitting is not a term we should use when talking about our own children. I believe it’s more PC to say ‘caring for.’

I was taken to the speech pathologist in my elementary school when I was 6. They told me it was because they needed me to help some of the kids say their R’s, but I found out much later they thought I was having seizures or something. According to my sources, I would pause abruptly while reading out loud in class—sometimes in the middle of words. So they sent me there so they could figure out why I was pausing. If they would have just asked me, I could have told them that my eyes were reading the text much faster than my mouth could speak it, and the result was a pause while I found my place. Oh and sometimes I would get sidetracked during the pause with an occasional bout of ADHD—but that’s beside the point.

I do have to agree with the informed comment of one Jessica Benet who claims that’s how he says it because that’s how he hears it. Or maybe he’s just four (4), and hasn’t learned lingual motor skills. Or maybe he has an oversized tongue (see photo). Or, possibly, it’s the peanut butter.

There is a condition called Dysarthria that is sometimes a result of disease; the child should be diagnosed by a professional, but I’m guessing you could do the diagnosis yourself with a little research.

At any rate, I think we can all agree that you can easily solve the problem by taking the marble out of young Johnny’s mouth. Going ‘Henry Higgins’ (Rex Harrison, My Fair Lady, 1964) on the child won’t make him learn to speak British any faster. After that, if slurry speech continues, seek medical help. I suggest taking the child to a physician without his parents’ permission—sneak it in behind their backs (That’s in the babysitter’s manual.)

(Oh, and I was just kidding about taking the child to the doctor without the parents' permission.)

(As always: to ask a question, post it in the comments after this article--and tell your friends to try out my advice blog. That way you will have more to read—and that’s what we all want, more to read.)

14. Pincers of Peril

Daltongirl asked…

Same question as Savvymom. I've been wondering about that for a loooooooong time.

Also, "Poison is the kind of thing you’re not supposed to touch
Old prescriptions, cleaning stuff, or spider bites and such . . ."

I touched a spider bite once. What should I do?

Stupid said…

As you can see, Daltongirl, I have answered Savvymom’s question in the previous entry. Let’s explore the poison control song’s message:

(In my regular blog, I referenced a Public Service Announcement from the poison control center. Read the entry here. The lyrics to the catchy jingle the Poison Control Center uses include the lyrics quoted above by Daltongirl.)

It’s a question of semantics. “Poison is the kind of thing you’re not supposed to touch…” What does it mean? Everyone knows we are supposed to stay away from poison, but does it have a second meaning. Should we avoid the topic of poison? Is the topic ‘poison’ taboo? Does the mere mention of poison inspire some people to go out and use it even MORE because it is forbidden?

“…Old prescriptions…” I believe this has less to do with prescriptions that are old as it has to do with prescriptions for old people. Who knows what old people are taking these days? Malcontentanol—the feel good drug for our negative seniors? Aportlymanisindahouse—the weight loss drug for senior men? Or Geriactinupagain—the Ritalin for AARP members?

“…cleaning stuff…” I think you heard the jingle wrong, Daltongirl. It says “clinging stuff,” not “cleaning stuff.” My rule is: throw whatever ‘stuff’ you have against a wall. If it clings, it’s poison.

“…or spider bites and such…" Couldn’t a bite refer to the arachnid mouth? I’d stay away from that too. It didn’t do Frodo any good--did it?. Stay away from the Spider’s biter is what I say. If in the off chance that the Poison Control Center is saying we are not supposed to touch the red welt left by a spider that bites a person, I’d generally follow that advice.* Spyder bites are a different matter altogether…

*Disclaimer: besides the wording in the jingle, I have not found any indications on the internet if spider bite welts are dangerous in themselves. Me? I just scratch ‘em. They itch.

(As always: to ask a question, post it in the comments after this article--and tell your friends to try out my advice blog. That way you will have more to read—and that’s what we all want, more to read.)

13. The Bear Truth

Savvymom asked…

Here is my question. I hope you're ready for it. In the kids' show The Berenstain Bears that comes at 8am each morning, the theme song has a line that says "they're a lot like people only more so". What does that mean? How can a bear be more like a person than a person? I am stupefied.

Stupid said…

Thanks for asking Savvymom; I'm always ready for questions. And remember: each time you visit my blog, your IQ drops one point—and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Turning—grudgingly—from the Olsen Twins to The Berenstain Bears, we examine the essence of the theme song from our favorite talking animals. Let’s examine the song lyrics line by line:

Lyrics
The Berenstain Bears:
Final Theme
Somewhere deep in Bear Country [They live in Bear Country--Duh.]
Lives the Berenstain Bear family [It’s a family—of bears! Named BERENSTAIN (a misspelled derivative of Berenstien.]
They're kind of furry around the torso [And they have hairy bellies. The question is: are they hairy under their clothes too? Or are they just hairy where they can show it off?]
They're a lot like people, only more so [Aah. The rub. This is a subliminal jab at children everywhere. Our friends at PETA are trying to point out that the core audience of this show—children who enjoy boring, unfunny cartoons and parents who want their children to learn morals from TALKING ANIMALS—are less human than cartoon bears. It’s alarming, really. Oh, and YOU try to find a word that rhymes with torso.]

The bear fact is that [Another subliminal message encouraging nudity.]
They're just like you and me [They’re telling the children they have hairy torsos.]
The only difference [The ONLY difference.]
Is they live in a tree [They make the faulty assumption that these children don’t live in trees.]

The Berenstain Bears [Shameless self promotion.]

When things go wrong as things might do [Stuff happens.]
The Berenstain Bears will find a way through [The Bears are smart. Blah, blah blah.]
Mama, Papa, Sister and Brother [We are a happy family.]
They'll always be there for each other [‘Cept when they die. Cuz they will. One day.]

The bear fact is that [What IS it with these people—bears—and nudity.]
They can be sweet as honey [Reference to a crappy Jessica Alba movie that is just like Mariah Carey’s Glitter except it’s about dancing—not singing.]
Sometimes you'll find [‘N Stuff.]
They might be just plain funny [Except they aren’t. Ever.]

The Berenstain Bears [Boy they really ARE high on themselves.]
The Berenstain Bears [And now it’s getting ridiculous.]

Theme Song: Stan Meissner
Score By: Ray Parker and Tom Szczesniak
"The Berenstain Bears" Performed By: Lee Ann Womack
Lee Ann Womack appears courtesy of Erv Woolsey Co.

There you have it. I know it may be unbelievable, but these people are out to get your children. Also, avoid Barney—for obvious reasons.

Here is the source website for the song lyrics.

(As always: to ask a question, post it in the comments after this article--and tell your friends to try out my advice blog. That way you will have more to read—and that’s what we all want, more to read.)

12. A 'Little' Problem

th. asked…

Stupid---

I dreamed I asked you a question the other night and did realize until this morning that it was only a dream.

I don't remember what it was, but feel free to answer it anyway.

Stupid said…

Thanks th. I’d be happy to try and respond the best I can.

Unfortunately I don’t know much about the Olsen twins—other than that I have gained an Olsen twin worth of weight since HS graduation. I keep it near my kidneys. I DO have the email address for Raven Symone Courtesy of one Eric Snyder, but no Olsen twins—Sorry. I’ll try to summarize the Olsen twins:

In the late 80’s a show called CHiPs was waning. Producers needed a ‘new CHiPs’ to substitute because poor-old Erik Estrada just wasn’t fetching the ratings anymore. Full House was born. Bob Saget was hot young talent and seething good looks rolled into one. Singlehandedly, he saved television; that’s a different story I shant explore unless asked.

To round out the cast: John Stamos, Beach Boy and supermodel husband; Dave Coulier, funniest comedian on the circuit and stand in voice for Bullwinkle; Candace Cameron, Sister to mullet-wearing Kirk Cameron who longed to be Vicky on Small Wonder; Jodie Sweetin, the sweetinest little tooth-losing girl EVER; Lori Loughlin, Star of RAD and all-around sweetheart; and Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen co-starring AS THE VERY SAME PERSON.

Apparently, they were persnickety children and had a hard time behaving, so they used the both of them depending on which one wasn’t crying or spitting up (one of them became very good at spitting up, I’m told.) They were adorable. Called on to say things like “I’m finkin’ about it” and “Shame on you,” they became instant hits. I guess two wrongs DO make a right.

As their popularity grew, Full House’s popularity was waning. People were not ready for the genius of Full House, and eventually the show was cancelled. Fortunately for literally dozens of us true fans, the Olsens moved into straight-to-VHS filmmaking and started plotting ‘Operation Oprah Overthrow’ or OOO by amassing more cash than has ever been possessed by any underage kid in the history of the world ever.

That’s when the Elvis-like degeneration happened, and lately the pair have been spotted hanging out with friends in stead of with each other—the shame. Also, One of them has ‘small’ problem with anorexia and the other also has a ‘small’ problem too (although without the anorexia.) I couldn’t tell you which is which though, because I can’t tell them apart without seeing the shoulder tattoos. Join their message board now!

Now they are Freshmen at NYU livin’ in the dorms and eating cafeteria food. Soon they will be starring in Booze Hounds, a self-written story about two little girls who didn’t need college anymore...

(As always: to ask a question, post it in the comments after this article--and tell your friends to try out my advice blog. That way you will have more to read—and that’s what we all want, more to read.)

11. A Day in the Stupid Life

Jessica Benet asked…

Dear Stupid,

What do you do in your free time when you don't have a question to answer?

Jessica Benet.

Stupid Said…

Excellent question Jessica. May I call you B’NayNay? Thanks.

I rarely have time to pull myself away from the computer because of all the HOARDES of questions I receive—obviously! But when I do get a spare minute, this is what I do:

• I head on down to the McDonalds inside Wal-Mart so the employees there can make fun of me. I know it sounds crass, but I really think they need someone.
• If I still have time after that, I like to go to Barnes and Noble and act like I am one of the Managers. I approach the customers and ask if they have found everything they need. After a brief, customer-friendly conversation, I follow them around the store as if they were going to steal something. I peek around corners, watch them from the front door, drag my thumb across my neck making the I’m-gonna-git-you-sucka! gesture—you know, fun stuff. Later I approach them and tell them I’m just kidding and give them coupons I get in my mailbox.
• I grab my binoculars and hang out down the street from the skate park—DUH!
• I go to Cabela’s sometimes and ask to buy a gun. Before I enter the store though, I spray my forehead and sideburns with tanning oil, so I have little droplets of liquid on my forehead and dripping from my chops. You should see their faces--it's adorable.
• I like to attend high school sports and heckle the players.
• I bake with butter.
• Sometimes my wife Limpy and I go to the rest home to do service with the invalids. They like to play ‘catch’ with beach balls and spaghetti.
• I buy a dozen doughnuts and eat them on the front steps of the police station. I always wear my fake mustache when I do that so they don’t identify me.
• I take judo classes on the internet. And jazz. I looooove jazz.

So, that’s what I do for fun—the normal stuff. If you’re still reading at this point, I guess my boring ol’ life is at least interesting to someone. I’ve gotta run; I hear it’s dollar day down at Petsmart…


(As always: to ask a question, post it in the comments after this article--and tell your friends to try out my advice blog. That way you will have more to read—and that’s what we all want, more to read.)