15. Tongues A Million

Mandi asked…

Dear Stupid,

I am currently babysitting a 4yr old boy who doesn't enunciate very well. He sounds like he's talking with a huge wad of gum in his mouth and he also uses Him/Her & He/She improperly- meaning he never uses he/she- EVER.

What makes some children pick up language/speach very well, and others not so much?

Stupid said…

Let’s be frank, Mandi—babysitting is not a term we should use when talking about our own children. I believe it’s more PC to say ‘caring for.’

I was taken to the speech pathologist in my elementary school when I was 6. They told me it was because they needed me to help some of the kids say their R’s, but I found out much later they thought I was having seizures or something. According to my sources, I would pause abruptly while reading out loud in class—sometimes in the middle of words. So they sent me there so they could figure out why I was pausing. If they would have just asked me, I could have told them that my eyes were reading the text much faster than my mouth could speak it, and the result was a pause while I found my place. Oh and sometimes I would get sidetracked during the pause with an occasional bout of ADHD—but that’s beside the point.

I do have to agree with the informed comment of one Jessica Benet who claims that’s how he says it because that’s how he hears it. Or maybe he’s just four (4), and hasn’t learned lingual motor skills. Or maybe he has an oversized tongue (see photo). Or, possibly, it’s the peanut butter.

There is a condition called Dysarthria that is sometimes a result of disease; the child should be diagnosed by a professional, but I’m guessing you could do the diagnosis yourself with a little research.

At any rate, I think we can all agree that you can easily solve the problem by taking the marble out of young Johnny’s mouth. Going ‘Henry Higgins’ (Rex Harrison, My Fair Lady, 1964) on the child won’t make him learn to speak British any faster. After that, if slurry speech continues, seek medical help. I suggest taking the child to a physician without his parents’ permission—sneak it in behind their backs (That’s in the babysitter’s manual.)

(Oh, and I was just kidding about taking the child to the doctor without the parents' permission.)

(As always: to ask a question, post it in the comments after this article--and tell your friends to try out my advice blog. That way you will have more to read—and that’s what we all want, more to read.)

14. Pincers of Peril

Daltongirl asked…

Same question as Savvymom. I've been wondering about that for a loooooooong time.

Also, "Poison is the kind of thing you’re not supposed to touch
Old prescriptions, cleaning stuff, or spider bites and such . . ."

I touched a spider bite once. What should I do?

Stupid said…

As you can see, Daltongirl, I have answered Savvymom’s question in the previous entry. Let’s explore the poison control song’s message:

(In my regular blog, I referenced a Public Service Announcement from the poison control center. Read the entry here. The lyrics to the catchy jingle the Poison Control Center uses include the lyrics quoted above by Daltongirl.)

It’s a question of semantics. “Poison is the kind of thing you’re not supposed to touch…” What does it mean? Everyone knows we are supposed to stay away from poison, but does it have a second meaning. Should we avoid the topic of poison? Is the topic ‘poison’ taboo? Does the mere mention of poison inspire some people to go out and use it even MORE because it is forbidden?

“…Old prescriptions…” I believe this has less to do with prescriptions that are old as it has to do with prescriptions for old people. Who knows what old people are taking these days? Malcontentanol—the feel good drug for our negative seniors? Aportlymanisindahouse—the weight loss drug for senior men? Or Geriactinupagain—the Ritalin for AARP members?

“…cleaning stuff…” I think you heard the jingle wrong, Daltongirl. It says “clinging stuff,” not “cleaning stuff.” My rule is: throw whatever ‘stuff’ you have against a wall. If it clings, it’s poison.

“…or spider bites and such…" Couldn’t a bite refer to the arachnid mouth? I’d stay away from that too. It didn’t do Frodo any good--did it?. Stay away from the Spider’s biter is what I say. If in the off chance that the Poison Control Center is saying we are not supposed to touch the red welt left by a spider that bites a person, I’d generally follow that advice.* Spyder bites are a different matter altogether…

*Disclaimer: besides the wording in the jingle, I have not found any indications on the internet if spider bite welts are dangerous in themselves. Me? I just scratch ‘em. They itch.

(As always: to ask a question, post it in the comments after this article--and tell your friends to try out my advice blog. That way you will have more to read—and that’s what we all want, more to read.)

13. The Bear Truth

Savvymom asked…

Here is my question. I hope you're ready for it. In the kids' show The Berenstain Bears that comes at 8am each morning, the theme song has a line that says "they're a lot like people only more so". What does that mean? How can a bear be more like a person than a person? I am stupefied.

Stupid said…

Thanks for asking Savvymom; I'm always ready for questions. And remember: each time you visit my blog, your IQ drops one point—and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Turning—grudgingly—from the Olsen Twins to The Berenstain Bears, we examine the essence of the theme song from our favorite talking animals. Let’s examine the song lyrics line by line:

Lyrics
The Berenstain Bears:
Final Theme
Somewhere deep in Bear Country [They live in Bear Country--Duh.]
Lives the Berenstain Bear family [It’s a family—of bears! Named BERENSTAIN (a misspelled derivative of Berenstien.]
They're kind of furry around the torso [And they have hairy bellies. The question is: are they hairy under their clothes too? Or are they just hairy where they can show it off?]
They're a lot like people, only more so [Aah. The rub. This is a subliminal jab at children everywhere. Our friends at PETA are trying to point out that the core audience of this show—children who enjoy boring, unfunny cartoons and parents who want their children to learn morals from TALKING ANIMALS—are less human than cartoon bears. It’s alarming, really. Oh, and YOU try to find a word that rhymes with torso.]

The bear fact is that [Another subliminal message encouraging nudity.]
They're just like you and me [They’re telling the children they have hairy torsos.]
The only difference [The ONLY difference.]
Is they live in a tree [They make the faulty assumption that these children don’t live in trees.]

The Berenstain Bears [Shameless self promotion.]

When things go wrong as things might do [Stuff happens.]
The Berenstain Bears will find a way through [The Bears are smart. Blah, blah blah.]
Mama, Papa, Sister and Brother [We are a happy family.]
They'll always be there for each other [‘Cept when they die. Cuz they will. One day.]

The bear fact is that [What IS it with these people—bears—and nudity.]
They can be sweet as honey [Reference to a crappy Jessica Alba movie that is just like Mariah Carey’s Glitter except it’s about dancing—not singing.]
Sometimes you'll find [‘N Stuff.]
They might be just plain funny [Except they aren’t. Ever.]

The Berenstain Bears [Boy they really ARE high on themselves.]
The Berenstain Bears [And now it’s getting ridiculous.]

Theme Song: Stan Meissner
Score By: Ray Parker and Tom Szczesniak
"The Berenstain Bears" Performed By: Lee Ann Womack
Lee Ann Womack appears courtesy of Erv Woolsey Co.

There you have it. I know it may be unbelievable, but these people are out to get your children. Also, avoid Barney—for obvious reasons.

Here is the source website for the song lyrics.

(As always: to ask a question, post it in the comments after this article--and tell your friends to try out my advice blog. That way you will have more to read—and that’s what we all want, more to read.)